As we cleaned the Unicorn stables at WLA Headquarters, an urgent message came by messenger-unicorn: an unstable person decked out in Iowa Hawkeye gear was preaching the benefits of corn-based Ethanol at a UAW meeting. WLA operatives were dispatched, and returned to Headquarters with Oops Pow Surprise, of Black Heart Gold Pants. Due to his gratitude for saving him from being rent limb from limb by Michigan's proletariat, the Capitalist pig spilled all he knew about Iowa basketball:
Please explain your decision to attend college in a cornfield.
Corn growers are the recipient of the largest amount of government subsidies in America. As proponents of a centrally planned economy, we're surprised you didn't already know and admire this about our great and blessed land. It makes us rich so we can purchase goods and services.
The quality of Iowa's basketball team is, at this point, a somewhat amorphous concept. 11-4 is good, but the Hawkeyes have lost to the three good teams they've played (BC, WVU, OSU). It appears as if their best performance may be a two-point loss at BC. So is Iowa good?
Iowa was in position to tie the game against BC and OSU, but missed last-second shots in both instances. They are better than last year, but until tonight's tilt with the Minnesota Goldens, we won't know if they're a middle-ish team or struggling to stay out of the cellar again. Also, Iowa's best performance was clearly against the Citadel. Show me a 22-point road win on your schedule, fools!
What's the deal with Anthony Tucker? Is he going to play? Why hasn't he been playing? Why does Lickliter insist on opressing the common student-athlete?
He has not been playing after making vaguely Communistic comments to coaches and bystanders. The HUAC is on the case and will resolve his eligibility in due time.
Iowa's team is short. Michigan's team is shorter. How will you lord your impressive physiques over our midgets?
Lord our physiques over you? Mais non! Fearful of Michigan's smallness, Iowa will run out a lineup consisting of a small forward, the 3 shortest guards, and what appears to be a Nerf football.
The WLA frowns upon nepotism as it perpetuates undeserved power among the bourgeouis classes, yet Todd Lickliter's sons are a manager and walk-on guard on the team, not to mention Kirk Ferentz's son on the football team. Explain yourselves. What would happen to Iowa athletics if the coaches were infertile?
Like all great and free lands, Iowa values performance over all things, including last names. The WLA's fear of even the appearance of nepotism indicates that they would deny young Lickliters and Ferentzes the ability to play, based solely on their last names! As for the infertility, that is a trick question; we would no sooner hire a vegan to run the local butchery than we would give a coaching job to the infertile. What example would it set for young men looking to excel on and off the field? And by off the field we mean banging.
Michigan is unbeaten against Iowa on January 11th since 1954. How will Iowa break the curse?
With Guns.
We have both played Indiana. We have both struggled. Which game was worse? What comparison can you gleen from that game?
I cannot answer this question, as high levels of drink have seared all memory of that game from my brain. BHGP strongly suggests you do the same. Indiana is horrible, awful, and no good; were we to remember the game, we suspect the answer to your question is that it is easy to play down to the level of your competition in collegiate basketball when you are mediocre and your opponent sucks, and easier still to read too much into those games.
If the Iowa/Michgan matchup had a trophy, what would it be?
A miniature toppled statue of Stalin.
