*You're right. I completely made those up.
As I was saying, the passion and vigor that turns my blue eyes bluer this week has an unimaginable effect on those within the borders of this rivalry. For one truly ghastly individual it is the one time of year when he returns to send looks of scorn across our state's glorious and guarded border. That man is Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes, and his zombie corpse either means that World War Z is upon us, or it is the last weekend of the college football season.
Zombie Woody is a dangerous and virulent creature that manifests just for this one week, during which he performs numerous duties. First, he gives a rousing speech on OSU's campus where the only girl with a full set of teeth left in Columbus is given to him as a corpse bride. As such she is used in many debaucherous ways, and in the end- for his consumption. Secondly, he plants a flower on the grave of Benito Mussolini because as Woody once said in an interview, "everything I ever learned in life came from Benito."** Sometimes Zombie Woody does re-creations of this picture
with Zombie Nixon. (Rumor has it he taught Nixon something he'd learned from Benito: the phrase "I am not a crook!" Frankly, we wonder who passed that along to Tressel).**This one actually is true.
Thankfully for the WLA, he also tends to meet with the media, and we were fortunate to score an interview.
I was going to invite Woody Hayes to my home, but then I remembered that zombies like to eat brains, so I decided to meet where he would be able to eat brains off of the menu, Pizza Hut. Woody sat across the table from me and in between swallows of human flesh*** he answered questions.
***Pizza Hut Pizza****
**** I promise to stop doing these now.
WLA: So, what is it like being dead?
Zombie Woody Hayes: Well, it's like being in Michigan, except worse! HAHAHAHA! How's that economy treating you? I hope you're all homeless.
WLA: Did you really come here to talk about the economy?
ZWH: No, I came here to eat brains and shit on Michigan. You know, one time I was on a recruiting trip to Michigan, and my car ran out of gas. Instead of spending money in Michigan I walked across the border and bought gas in Ohio. I then drank the gas while eating a bean burrito and shit fire and rocket fuel all the way to the recruits house. When I got there I was covered in excrement and my pants had burned off. The recruit wouldn't talk to me, but his mother sure did.
WLA: What was your favorite part about the UM vs. OSU rivalry?
ZWH: 1968.
WLA: What about 1969?
ZWH: I'LL KILL YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK! BO MOTHER FUCK! Butterscotch pudding! Farts in your mouth! Charlie Bauman!
WLA: So you're a zombie. What's that like? I mean, we all saw it coming with you being such an enormous piece of shit, but how's the zombie life?
ZWH: Well, it has its ups and downs. Ups: Eating flesh and not having it considered immoral. Moaning endlessly at any and all forms of life. Not having to use Q-tips. My blood turning into an acrid oil based substance. Downs: Mostly my penis falling off.
WLA: As you probably know by now a picture has surfaced on the internet of you in a rather compromised position. How do you respond to the picture?
ZWH: It is important to put that picture in the context that it was taken. First, everyone should know that Charlie and I have been in a relationship for many years now. I have an insatiable lust for him, and he finds me to be creepy and old. Especially now that I'm dead. Anyway, I hit on him before my last game and he turned me down. This enraged me to the point that I changed our entire offensive gameplan to, "Run right at Charlie Bauman." I think he had eleventy billion tackles and that one interception in that game. So then I hit him in the throat. Rejection's hard to take.
WLA: So...what's the context of the pic? What's John Cooper doing there? And Bauman?
ZWH: We were hanging out in Columbus in 2006- me, John, and my Zombie bride of the week- when lo and behold who shows up but Charlie. We gave him a rufi-colada, kidnapped him and hi-tailed it to John's apartment. I spent the day doing coke off John's ass and punching John in the eye. He loved it. Trust me.
WLA: And the sheets?
ZWH: Ah, yes. The Hello Kitty sheets were my idea. After all, nothing helps Zombie Woody get zombie wood like Hello Kitty. All of our players sleep on Hello Kitty sheets and make tremendous man-on-man love the week of The Game- it's tradition!
WLA: It's a tradition?
ZWH: Yeah! Haven't you heard of those Little Gold Pants? I mean what straight man in his right mind wears gold pants? See that's Coop's problem- he's never tried to understand that tradition. That's why he went 2-10-1 against you. Now Tressel, there's a man who embraces that tradition. That's Jimbo's success right there- man love and Hello Kitty.
WLA: Wow. Man love and Hello Kitty. Who knew. Any last words?
ZWH: Well, I must say that in retrospect I wish I'd been a better person. I think that if I hadn't hit Charlie Bauman, said all those negative things about that charming academic and athletic beacon of a university to the north, and hadn't ever had sex with that hooker's festering corpse I wouldn't be a zombie today. I'd probably be resting peacefully on a smoldering beach in hell, sipping a napalm colada, and enjoying the company of Maurice Gibb.
WLA: Maurice Gibb?
ZWH: Yeah, I hear he's a swell guy. Plus, I always loved the Bee Gees. Now there's a group who looked good in gold pants!
Special thanks to Ninja for Woody Hayes' zombie love fest.
Also, OSU, suck my balls.
