Struggling through a 3-9 season has been a new and difficult experience for most Michigan football fans. Many within the fanbase have had trouble reconciling this record with their own perception of where the team should be. Others have collectively lost their fucking minds.In an effort to gain some perspective on the 2008 season, U-M's first nine loss season in history, the WLA introduces William "Bill" Rasmussen, Jr. Bill is a 35 year season ticket holder to Indiana football. During this time frame, the Hoosiers have posted a 0.3893 winning percentage. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Rasmussen:
WLA: Hello Mr. Rasmussen, thanks for joining us.
WR: (sighs)
WLA: OK, as you probably know, U-M and Indiana had indentical 3-9 records this season. For U-M, this was an entirely new experience. For Indiana, not so much. Your thoughts on this season?
WR: Well, we beat Murray St. and Western Kentucky. So, that was nice. Can't say I saw losing 62-10 to Purdue coming. Those guys are tough, huh?
WLA: I suppose. Just be glad Siller didn't start against you guys or it might have been worse.
WR: Worse than 62-10 and over 400 yards passing? I kind of doubt that.
WLA: Point taken. Walk me through a typical game day at Bloomington.
WR: Well, for a noon game, it's up at 8:00 AM. I usually head down to the stadium for some early tailgating. I'll eat some Jimmy Dean sausage patties, a fistful of quaaludes and wash it all down with eight to ten Bloody Marys. About 45 minutes before kick, we start to make our way inside and get to our seats. Sometimes we openly weap along the way, sometimes we don't. Then, more often than not, it's three hours of unadultered misery. After the game, I head home to my filthy, ramshackle, one bedroom apartment and watch the usual triptych of "Requiem For A Dream", "8 MM" and "Se7en" to cheer myself up.
WLA: And the rest of the week?
WR: Since I can't hold a job because of all the psychological damage the team has inflicted upon me, I usually head down to the sperm bank or donate some plasma. Those season tickets don't pay for themselves. Anyway, rinse, wash, repeat for 35 years.
WLA: (stunned silence)
WR: What else?
WLA: Ummm, holy shit. Errr, sorry. Anyway, both Lee Corso and Gerry DiNardo have been head coaches at Indiana, earning the school the title "Cradle of Shitty College Football Analysts." That's something to be proud of, right?
WR: Let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a dream where Howard Griffith tears DiNardo's spine from his still living body and hands it to Dave Revsine. Revsine then slides the vertebrae back and forth on the spinal cord like a makeshift abacus while counting off DiNardo's career losses at Indiana? Then you wake up and your underwear is all wet?WLA: No.
WR: OK, well, first of all, that's $10 down the tubes. Second, while there are 33 vertebrae, up to nine of them are fused, leaving 24 movable for counting. DiNardo had 27 losses in three seasons, so obviously that won't work.
WLA: I see. Getting back to Michigan, there's been some fans that believe Rich Rodriguez should lose his job. Websites like www.firerichrod.com have started-
WR: Are you fucking kidding me? Wait just a goddamn second. Some people don't want Rich Rodriguez? Rich Fucking Rodriguez? We've had Lee Corso as a coach. Gerry DiNardo. Cam Cameron. Thanks for that, by the way. Bill Mallory is the best thing to happen to us and he still lost more games than he won. I mean give me a fucking break. Unbelievable.
WLA: Well, to be fair, most Michigan fans are more rational than that.
WR: Oh, in that case, let me just mention this: FUCK YOU ALL!
WLA: A bit uncalled for, but OK. How's recruiting been going for IU this year? There are some concerns that Coach Rodriguez hasn't brought in as many 4 or 5 star recruits as expected.
WR: What's a 4 star recruit?
WLA: Well, the rating services give the high school recruits stars to give a sense of their overall ability to contribute at the college level.
WR: Hmmm, I see. Yeah, I've got a subscription to peegs.com, but none of our recruits have these stars you speak of. Mostly our guys have a frowny face or a biohazard symbol or a dead bird next to their names.
WLA: Anything else that you would like to add Mr. Rasmussen?
WR: Yes. Next year, when you win six or seven or eight games, just remember this: Indiana hasn't won 8 games since 1993. We haven't won 9 games in my entire 35 years as a season ticket holder. You will be back, and when you are, please, please, please only beat us by 40 points. There's only so much a man can take before he snaps. Have you ever seen the movie "Falling Down"?
WLA: Yes. At any rate, Mr. Rasmussen, I'll leave you with these words of wisdom from a Mexican fortune cookie: Your soul is only crushed if you let it be crushed.
WR: Thank you. That's very comforting. Do you perchance have a handgun I might borrow? Corso's restraining order against me specifically prevents me from owning one.
And there you have it. Our thanks to Mr. Rasmussen for his input.
