Today we feature a letter received from a member of the Michigan fan base. Reginald J. Dickington checks in with us today, from an undisclosed location in Michigan.
I’m as big of a Michigan Man as you’ll find in this fair nation. My life revolves around the Blue and Maize squadron, as you can see from my t-shirt. You see, it, and it’s very clever, takes the character of Calvin from a beloved comic strip (but it’s not really him – too many copyright issues I’m told) and places him in the delightful situation of urinating directly onto a logo suspiciously similar to that of our hated rivals at Ohio University! How deliciously ironic! I find t-shirts like this help me relate to the common man in our crowd, of which there are unfortunately many. You know the types, the ruffians who consume cheap booze before the games and sometimes block the view of my wife Elizabeth. She isn’t much for the football matches, but I pay the extra couple thousand a year to bring her along anyway. She spends most of the game crocheting nude images of young men she fantasizes about, but she enjoys being able to see the big plays of the game. It’s wholly immoral the way those drunkards stand and block her view during these moments. That’s to say nothing of myself – I can’t stand for more than a couple seconds before the tube in my penis comes loose and urine sprays everywhere.
So, as a staunch Michigan Man, I feel it is my duty to address the most pertinent issue facing our boys today – the new road jerseys.
Totally unacceptable! I do not watch Michigan football for innovation or excitement. I support our team because my world view - carefully crafted through years of intentional ignorance, a spoiled upbringing, and relative isolation from the real world - is crumbling all around me! Michigan is a constant force in my life, one that keeps me from knocking Elizabeth down the stairs, buying a Porsche, and paying nubile teenagers to fellate me in the back of a Dairy Queen. I need my Saturdays to feature unchanging uniforms, excessive repetition of marching band standard, and Eisenhower era offensive strategy. I need Michigan to lose early in the year, or else the hordes of plebes get up in arms and excitable. An early loss quashes those emotions and allows me to enjoy the rest of the season in relative peace.
These uniforms, these abominations in the eyes of the Lord, represent all that is going wrong in this unholy world. A negro running for President? Women voting? Beer on Sundays? It is disgusting. If we allow this to stand, soon they will allow the players to “ghost ride” their “whips” around the field and we may even recruit young men fond of “rap” music. Unacceptable.
I plead with you, fellow Michigan Men, to stand in allegiance with me on this petty non-issue. We must preserve the integrity of our program by fighting any and all changes, no matter how small.
I thank you.
